The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
