If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Everclear isn't food dammit
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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