Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
They took my balls.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Randomize
