I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize