im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
