he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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