My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
