I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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