i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just gift wrapped bread.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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