What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
