im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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