so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
