Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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