i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
