I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
