There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
