you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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