You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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