My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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