Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
