she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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