oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
