all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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