does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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