On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
