I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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