Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
