My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
