you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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