I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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