got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
