Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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