I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
