You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
