If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
