oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
