so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
