ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
