Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
