saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
