Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
