OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I wanna passion pit in your ass
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
