god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like death gave me a hand job
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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