Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
