just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
