I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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