I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
