At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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