I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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