Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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