I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
