she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
