You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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