Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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