Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
