my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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